Like most teenagers, I've had my share of heartache, hurt and pain. But I believe everything is for a reason. God would never allow me to face something I couldn't handle.
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" - (Philippians 4:13)
Recently, I almost lost something I love very, very much. My boyfriend. Yep, that probably sounds lame coming from a teenage girl who cant POSSIBLY understand the meaning of love. However, regardless of that stereotype, he's not like anyone I've ever met before. He's special. He is my best friend, and the godliest most wonderful guy I've ever had the privilege to meet. He also saved my life. (But that's a story for another day). So how did I almost lose him?
Well, I struggled with depression. It's a never ending cycle down with few ups. Its the worst feeling in the world- feeling hopeless. I hate it. Its the worst. You feel like there is no one in the world who could ever love you, and keep drilling yourself into a hole of hopelessness and despair. You separate yourself from what you love most. And for me, those things were God, my family, and my boyfriend.
Well, I struggled with depression. It's a never ending cycle down with few ups. Its the worst feeling in the world- feeling hopeless. I hate it. Its the worst. You feel like there is no one in the world who could ever love you, and keep drilling yourself into a hole of hopelessness and despair. You separate yourself from what you love most. And for me, those things were God, my family, and my boyfriend.
I made myself believe that I didn't really love him, and that he could be happier with someone else. So I called him up, and between many tears told him that I could never be the one for him.
Sad as he was, he calmly said he forgave me, and told me something I will never forget. He said: Lindsey, whether its me who loves you and cherishes you for the rest of your life or someone else, I want you to have a beautiful life. Whether I'm the guy God wants you to marry or someone else, I want you to live beautifully. Don't let yourself stay in this rut. Promise me you wont stay in this state of hopelessness. You push yourself down and all I want for you is a happiness and a beautiful life.
Sad as he was, he calmly said he forgave me, and told me something I will never forget. He said: Lindsey, whether its me who loves you and cherishes you for the rest of your life or someone else, I want you to have a beautiful life. Whether I'm the guy God wants you to marry or someone else, I want you to live beautifully. Don't let yourself stay in this rut. Promise me you wont stay in this state of hopelessness. You push yourself down and all I want for you is a happiness and a beautiful life.
The words hit me between the nose. What was I doing anyway? He told me that he loved me and we hung up for the night, saying we would talk again the next day. I cried myself to sleep, knowing that I did indeed love him, and that I would never forgive myself for what I had done.
I was in so much pain, and all I really wanted was to be happy. I realized that that is what he wanted for me as well, and I at last came to my senses by the next morning.
My life has been quite the heap of hard knocks, me not quite learning my lesson without one of them, or several. After that night of thinking I had lost forever the three things I loved, I regained one, and it gave me hope. I prayed and thanked God for such a blessing, and then proceeded to open my Bible and begin again reading and seeing what it had to offer for me. From that moment on, love reigned in my heart. I had been found.
I am rebuilding my relationships with my family members, and I continue to pray that the damage I've caused is not permanent. Depression killed me a little bit whilst I fell into it. I have promised myself that with God's help I will never go back, but continue to look at the future optimistically.
That night of pain was possibly one of the hardest of my life, other than deaths in my family. But God put me through a refining, knowing that I had much dross and that I would turn out being golden. I challenge you to allow yourself to let Him do the same to your own self. Its hard, I know. But surrendering to Him is the ONLY way. Believe me I've tried every other passageway. Without Him its all hopeless.
Sure, there will be trials and heartaches, but He will never give you more than you can handle. He will always be with you, for you can do all things through Him who gives you strength.
